Was he abusive to you?
I always said no, but that was wrong.
After my daughter’s father was charged with child abuse, it shocked me to the core. He had generally been kind; was well liked by friends and neighbors. There were several times that he helped out when we needed it.
But after I would tell the story of what happened that night, the question always came:
“Was he abusive to you?”
He never hit me, but he left me to deal with an unexpected pregnancy alone.
He never hit me, but he chose his relationship of four months over his child. (She left him two months later.)
He never hit me, but he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with us. Repeatedly.
He never hit me, but he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose, to trap him in a relationship (that I didn’t want).
He never hit me, but he lied to his friends about why I didn’t come around anymore. (A few of them figured it out when they saw me and my daughter around town.)
He never hit me, but he never told his family that I existed, much less his child.
He never hit me, but he refused to meet his child after she was born. The first time he saw her, she was seven months old and he simply said, “cute kid,” as if she wasn’t his flesh and blood.
He never hit me, but he changed jobs suddenly and told me I would have to accept that he was going to cut back on child support. He never asked how that would affect us.
He never hit me, but he changed his mind on being a father overnight and let me remain confused by his motivation. I still have no idea what changed.
He never hit me, but he refused to accept that I had a five year head start on parenting our child and refused to acknowledge I might know better than him.
He never hit me, but he made it clear that I was not a part of his family and I was not welcome to foster relationships with them.
He never hit me, but he stole my first back to school shopping experience with my daughter because he didn’t like the plans I had made.
He never hit me, but he made me feel like I was crazy for demanding that he put my daughter in a booster seat when he drove her.
He never hit me, but he decided buying a boat was more important than co-signing an apartment when we were on the verge of being homeless.
He never hit me, but he destroyed my new boyfriend’s business out of spite.
He never hit me, but he also destroyed that relationship before we had a chance to see what it could be.
He never hit me, but he told my child I was trying to take her away from him.
He never hit me, but he accused me of fabricating child abuse charges so I could get full custody.
He never hit me, but he lied to his entire family about why his daughter was taken away.
He never hit me, but he played games with child support when we needed every penny desperately.
He never hit me, but he took me to court to get out of his obligations from the investigation he demanded.
He never hit me, but he gets angry with me when I get upset over his lack of communication.
He never hit me, but he refuses to take responsibility for what he did to our child.
He never hit me, but he left me to raise a child with trauma alone.
He never hit me, but he tells me I should be grateful that he gives us what he owes us.
He never hit me, but seeing his name triggers panic attacks.
He never hit me.
But the scars are indelible.
